Lumps of Coal

by Godfrey J. Ellis — November 2002

A classic Christmas legend I’d always heard:
“Naughty boys and girls, get lumps of coal in their stockings.”
An idea begins to form, it brews, and hatches!
I’ll give Mum lumps of coal, then, reveal love’s true gift!
Anticipation already sees the scene:
Red-faced Mum gasping!
Family laughing!
All sharing in Yule fool.
 
Black lumps of coal….
Hard to find in downtown Los Angeles,
When I’m only nine years old.
I know, I’ll make them out of wood!
They’ll die laughing!  Be rolling in the aisles!
A totally original hit of the day – what a grand idea!
 
Three-foot, rough-cut, cross-saw,
With half-inch teeth attacking gentle pine molding,
Bending and bowing – ripping, tearing, snapping.
Grand joke extracting grunts and scratches of blood.
The squarish cubes of splinters are somewhat disappointing.
But black paint will totally fool them by covering all.
 
Hmm…no black paint,
And a half-dry, felt marker further dashes hope,
Grain showing through uneven coverage.
Still… a classic joke for the ages.
My original idea will yet carry the day!
 
Heart filled with tension and smiling cheeks still aching,
Wrapped in anticipation, my gift is given.
Family gathers round, peering, waiting.
Ribbon gently cut and bright paper slowly torn,
At last, love’s pure gift is open!
 
Pause…. 
Total silence…. 
Blank stares.
I explain the joke.
“Oh….” they say.

Pause…. 

Total silence…. 

Blank stares.

I explain the joke.

“Oh….” they say.